Sunday, 15 January 2012

Is It An End, Or A Beginning?

For six beautiful months, he was my world. My best friend, my lover, my protector, my light in the dark, the reason I kept hanging on so tightly to this world. He showed me a life I’d never had before, one that didn’t leave me with a bitter emptiness I had no means of filling. He taught me things I never thought I’d learn, and helped me to rediscover a worth in myself that I’d long forgotten. I remember the night he saved my life, and the night I stayed up all night because he desperately needed a friend. I remember him telling me things no other soul knew about him, and how excited he once was to see me or hear my voice.
Whenever I’m sad, I think about the way he used to call me at four in the morning because he missed me and wanted to hear my voice, or the way he’d ring just to hear from me even if I’d be seeing him in a few hours time. I remember the way he’d talk to me about his family or his job like nothing had ever in his life made him happier, and the pride in his eyes when he talked about his brother and sister. I remember him reaching for my hand in times of weakness and sorrow, or telling me I was beautiful for no reason at all. I remember the way he used to get scared when I was low, and how desperately he fought to keep me with him.
We were inseparable. Never more than inches apart when we were together - which was during most of our spare time. We have millions of inside jokes that will never again be touched, and memories we’ll never discuss for fear of hurting one another. We used to be able to finish each other’s sentences, and know what the other was feeling, or when they needed a friend.
For four terrible months, he was my worst enemy, vowing to protect me from anyone who hurt me, but being the biggest source of pain in my universe,
He left my life, because someone new came along. Someone who proved only to manipulate, deceive and destroy him. All the while dragging him further and further away. They sunk their teeth into him, and locked their jaws, breaking him down until he was hardly the man I’d loved for so long.
He started attacking everything I said and did, claiming I was irritating, demanding, needy, obnoxious. He let his girlfriend text me from his phone, things I never wanted or needed to see. He’d ignore me, put me down, shut me out, but still demand I be there for him when he needed or wanted it. He became someone so toxic that slowly, I disappeared within myself, terrified of talking to anyone for fear he was exactly right.
Each passing comment broke me down a little bit more until I could hardly breathe without wondering if I was annoying someone. I’ve always been insecure, but I swear that was a new sort of low, even for me. My best friend, my rock, my love became my worst enemy. A part of me left when he did and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.
Don’t get me wrong, we were never a couple. The idea was never a fantasy of mine, I don’t dream too big, and he’d never for a second consider it. Which is okay. Our friendship was more than blessing enough. But, I’ve never been closer to a single human being in my life. And I don’t know if I’ll ever open myself up enough to be that close to another one, or even him if the universe let’s us work something out. I hope it does.
But one night, I almost died, and I realised how valuable my life really is, and how easily it could disappear and I realised I needed to tell him some things, so one night, after he’d finally come back into my life - I told him about my diagnoses with depression and anxiety, I told him how the night he called me, I was planning to kill myself, I told him he saved my life. And then I admitted that since getting out of hospital those very same doubts and insecurities that drove me to a brink, had come back with a vengance, and he held me, refusing to let me go, his words were choked up, making me promise to keep living, telling me he loved me, that I was worth so much more than that.
But very quickly, the same man who couldn’t stomach hearing from me more than once a month when he was with his ex, returned. The same man who broke plans, ignored calls and texts, and made promises he had no plans of keeping, returned.
And now I’m faced with this hollow feeling. And dread, knowing that I don’t have a lot of options, and the outcome of every single one, is me crying, hurting and losing the person I love more than anything in this world.

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